Adapting Shakespeare, Part I

The Concept: name of Shakespeare’s play + Anagram Server = bad movie idea
Previous Anagram Adaptation Victims: Robert Browning, Lord Byron, John Keats

The Play: The Taming of the Shrew
Original Genre: Comedy
The Incredibly Brief Summary of Original: Padua, 1590s. The wealthy Senior Baptista has a tiny problem. He has two daughters: Bianca, the younger one, is a shining angel of adorable meek and maidenly virtue, and Katherina, is the shrew in the title. Times being what they are, the cuddly Bianca can only get married if her older sister gets married first. Since Kate is a man-hater ready to throw a mean backhand or a piece of furniture at anyone who gives her a funny look, Bianca is in terrible danger of ending up an old maid.

Or is she? Handsome young Lucentio gazes upon her by chance and, with the keen perception of a man wounded by Cupid’s arrow, realizes the only way he’ll get to marry Bianca is if he finds a husband for the shrewish Kate. But where could he find such a magnificent specimen of a man? Enter Petruchio – the loud, the bullying, and the astonishingly fun. Lucentio says, “I can get you a wife with a fabulous dowry.” Petruchio says, “lead on.” Lucentio warns, “she has a rotten temper.” Petruchio, scoffing, says, “lead on.”

Petruchio woos, Kate scorns. Petruchio jests, Kate insults. Petruchio outwits, Kate is surprised. Despite some loud protesting on Kate’s part, they get married. After a few days of exhausting travel to Petruchio’s estate in Verona, some sleepless nights and foodless days, Petruchio gets Kate to be more cooperative. From shrew she goes to being a saucy wench, and a kind of affectionate banter develops between the couple. A few weeks later, they return to Padua for the wedding of (yes, you guessed it) Lucentio and Bianca. Everyone is clamoring to see whether Kate has been tamed.

Not only does Kate prove tamed, she proves Bianca to be quite the disobedient little wench: When the men make a bet to see whose wife will come when called for no reason (you know, because they’re men and can indulge in that kind of thing), Kate has to drag an unwilling Bianca to her husband Lucentio. She then gives her a stern lecture on proper wifely subordination, which you can read as expressing the crude misogyny of the time or a subversive bit of irony. Either way, Petruchio kisses Kate affectionately and we can only assume their marital life will be blissful. The end.

Title: Mow the Feathers’ Thing
Genre: Romantic Comedy
Plot Summary: Set in the 1950s, a tale of sparkling wit, true love, and lawnmowers. Peter Rook and Lou Cent are the best landscape designers around. For a couple hundred dollars they’ll take your sorry backyard and make it look like a corner of Versailles. Or so it says in their ad. Truth be told, Pete and Lou don’t know the difference between a daisy and a daffodil, but they can mow the lawn real nice. Trouble starts when Lou falls for Bianca Feathers, daughter of Bob Feathers – as in Bob “Fertilizer” Feathers, owner of the Feathers Fertilizer formula that really can make your sorry backyard look like a corner of Versailles. Not only that, Bob has another daughter: while Bianca wants nothing more than a husband who will let her shop for a living, Kate has the nerve to be a lawyer. Honestly, these modern women have no shame, or so Pete says. A law school dropout, things get complicated when Pete tries to pass himself off as a real lawyer and Kate spies a phony. Will the clever Pete talk himself out of trouble and into a love affair with the sharp-witted Kate? Will Lou come up with the right money-making scheme to tempt Bianca into matrimony? Will Pete and Lou be forced to mow lawns forever?

Title: Negate Hems Forthwith
Genre: Screwball Comedy
Plot Summary: Set in the 1930s, a tale of sparkling wit, true love, and typewriters. Kate and Bianca aren’t only sisters, they’re sister stenographers working side by side, making their way through a world of memos and dictations. One fine day Bianca meets Luke, a hapless businessman who couldn’t form a coherent sentence if he had a DIY kit. Though Kate disapproves, Bianca is smitten and does her best to make Luke sound smart with his boss, Pete, who talks faster than anyone could type and insults faster than anyone could stand. That is, until he meets Kate, who shows him a thing or two about business – and pleasure! The battle of wit and will is on – who will come out victorious? (Why is it a screwball comedy? Because there will be slapstick. Which is probably more appropriate for the adaptation with the lawnmowers, but I figure that would be the obvious thing – and why be obvious when there’s that other road diverging into a wood that’s supposed to be more fun or something?)

Stuck in Development:

Weathermen Host Fight – On one beautiful day every year, weathermen around the world gather to celebrate meteorology in all its glory. There is feasting, frolicking, and of course – the fight. And that’s as far as I got. Beats me how it ties in with the original plot. It’s a shame because the name was promising.

Featherweights Month - An animated feature for grownups and children alike, which follows the lives of four cats: Petey, Louis, Bebe, and Katie. Again, that’s as far as I got. Really, how can you top the first two? Even animated cats and their comical antics couldn’t pull it off.

Rightmost Heathen Few – I just had no clue what to do with this one. Another promising title gone to waste...