The Bizarre Buffy the Vampire Slayer Bit – A Segment in Which BtVS is Ludicrously Contorted to Fit the Conventions of Another Genre
Fade in. Faith and Robin Wood are sitting together on a couch.
Faith: We started with a fling.
Robin: Right. Then she tried to blow me off.
Faith: Yeah, but he was all stubborn, and then he says he’s prettier than I am, which is so not true.
Robin: I knew that would get to her.
Faith: So, uhh, after we averted the apocalypse, we traveled around together, seeing the country.
Robin: Yeah, kind of a no-pressure relationship, but the whole time, we could still feel it was special.
Faith: He was the first guy to ever cook dinner for me. Or buy it, actually.
Robin: I made these, uhh, these great thick juicy steaks.
Faith: And these amazing potatoes stuffed with mushrooms. Unbelievable. He makes them every year.
Robin: For our anniversary.
Cut to: Spike striding up the sidewalk to the Summers’ house, casually twirling an axe and whistling ‘It Had to Be You.’ He knocks on the door.
Spike: Come on, slayer! Time for slaying!
No answer. Spike knocks harder.
Spike: Slayer?
The door opens. Buffy is standing there in her pajamas, her hair is disheveled, her eyes red and swollen from crying.
Spike: What happened to you?
Buffy: He’s getting married.
Spike: Who?
Buffy: [duh] Angel.
Spike: Oh. Well, uhh…
Buffy: I need a tissue.
Buffy walks back inside, sniffling. She starts to climb the stairs. Spike follows her with a sigh. Cut to: Buffy’s bedroom. Buffy paces in front of the bed, while Spike tries to sit there patiently.
Buffy: He just called me up, wanted to see how I was. Fine. How are you? Fine. He’s fighting crime, up to his neck in demons, blah blah blah. And I’m thinking, I’m over him. I really am over him. And then he said he has some news. [sob] Some girl he met in a demon dimension, she works in his office now. Her name is Fred.
Spike: Fred? Are you sure it’s a girl, ‘cause you know Angel is kinda…
Buffy: [sob] He just met her! I’m his girl! I’m his perfect happiness! I’m the one! All this time I’ve been telling myself, he left me because he loved me so much, he wanted me to have my own life, but the truth is… he didn’t want to be with me.
Spike: If you could take him back right now, would you?
Buffy: Yes!
Spike: What?
Buffy: Of course! He’s my first love – I’m never gonna stop loving him. And I drove him away with my slayer heroics. What is wrong with me?
Spike: Nothing’s wrong with you, love. Except for your taste in men.
Buffy: I’m difficult.
Spike: You’re tenacious.
Buffy: I’m aggressive.
Spike: It’s a turn-on.
Buffy: No, no, no I drove him away, and I’m going to be thirty.
Spike: When?
Buffy: … someday.
Spike: In eight years. If you don’t get yourself killed on the job first.
Buffy: But it’s there. It’s just sitting there like this big dead end. It’s so easy for guys like you – vampires live forever.
Spike: On paper, yeah, but when you think about it, most of us get killed sooner than the average human.
Buffy laughs a little in spite of herself, but quickly returns to sobbing. Spike loses his patience.
Spike: I can’t bloody take this. You know people might be dying out there because you’re in here weeping like a baby!
Buffy: [sob] I am not weeping like a baby!
Spike: Boohoo, Angel doesn’t love you anymore! I’d be bloody ecstatic you got that brooding git out of your hair, which incidentally looks like you let a cat try to comb it! You’re the bloody slayer! You don’t have the right to fall apart just because your ex decides to start shagging some other bird.
Buffy slaps him. There’s a little blood at the corner of his mouth.
Buffy: Sorry. I’m sorry, Spike.
Spike: No you’re not. But full marks for lying, love.
Buffy: … I’ll be ready in a minute.
Spike: Need some help getting dressed?
She shoves him out of the room and slams the door in his face.
Spike: Right, I’ll just wait out here then. [mumbles] Bloody hell. Should’ve gone the sympathy route…
Cut to: The Couch. Anya and Xander.
Anya: The first time I said I’d marry him, he left me at the altar.
Xander: There was a whole demon illusion there. It wasn’t really my fault.
Anya: He broke my heart. I hated him. Slept with Spike. Went back into vengeance. Started flirting with him again. Then I died in the apocalypse.
Xander: Temporary setback.
Anya: He brings me back from the dead. I won’t tell you how. It’s very romantic, but also very boring. So I’m back from the dead and boom-
Xander: Yeah, I proposed again. And she said yes, again.
Anya: Well I still had feelings for him and he was very, very rich from construction work.
Xander: Anya...
Anya: It’s true. Ooh, and the engagement ring was huge. Some people said it was distastefully large, but I always ignore stupid people.
Xander: That’s my girl.
Cut to: Graveyard. Night. Buffy and Spike face each other, a couple demon bodies on the ground.
Spike: I've been doing a lot of thinking. And the thing is… I love you.
Buffy: What?
Spike: I. Love. You.
Buffy: How do you expect me to respond to this?
Spike: How about you love me too? It’s a classic.
Buffy: How about I’m leaving.
Spike: Doesn’t what I said mean anything to you?
Buffy: I'm sorry, Spike, I know it’s the apocalypse (again), I know you’re feeling like it’s a good opportunity to get things off your chest, but you just can’t show up here, help me kill demons, tell me you love me and expect that to make everything alright. It doesn’t work that way.
Spike: It worked for Angel!
Buffy: Did you have to drag him into this? You know what? There isn’t even a ‘this’ because this is not happening.
Spike: Okay, I’ll give you a ‘this.’ I love that you have about thirty different jackets and you wear them even though it’s rarely cold enough, I love that you kill twelve demons a night and have an individual victory wise-crack for each, I love that you get that little frown when you’re looking at me like I'm bloody mad, I love that after I spend a night with you I can still smell your perfume on my clothes, and I love that you are the last person I want to talk to before I go to sleep at dawn. And it’s not because I’m lonely, and it’s not because you can kick my ass, and it’s not because it’s the bleeding apocalypse (again). I come out with you every night because I know I’m a monster and I know I don’t deserve you and when I die I want you to be the last thing I see and know that you know I died helping you.
Buffy: See, that is the kind of ‘this’ I didn’t need to hear. It is just like you with your sincerity and your British accent to confuse me. You say things like that and you make it impossible for me to hate you. I have to hate you.
Spike: Sod that!
Spike kisses Buffy. Buffy kisses Spike back.
Cut to: Spike and Buffy sitting on the couch, holding hands.
Spike: Uhh, well, we met fighting demons.
Buffy: Actually we met when he threatened to kill me. Then he attacked my school on Parent-Teacher Night and held everyone hostage.
Spike: Yeah, the history of our relationship is a bit colorful.
Buffy: We had a beautiful wedding.
Spike: Nighttime wedding.
Buffy: We had this amazing cake with – you know, instead of those creepy plastic figurines – a stencil of our interwoven initials.
Spike: Quite posh. I wanted a fountain of blood, but, uhh, the missus here wanted champagne, so…
Buffy: Yeah, we decided champagne would be-
Spike: More appropriate.
Buffy: Of course, some vampires did crash. I had to do some slaying, but it was after the vows, so I wasn’t really annoyed.
Spike: You should’ve seen her in this white satin number, with one of those extra long veils trailing behind her. The most beautiful woman in the world.
Buffy: Aww, so sweet…
They glow with happiness.
Fade to black.
Fade in. Faith and Robin Wood are sitting together on a couch.
Faith: We started with a fling.
Robin: Right. Then she tried to blow me off.
Faith: Yeah, but he was all stubborn, and then he says he’s prettier than I am, which is so not true.
Robin: I knew that would get to her.
Faith: So, uhh, after we averted the apocalypse, we traveled around together, seeing the country.
Robin: Yeah, kind of a no-pressure relationship, but the whole time, we could still feel it was special.
Faith: He was the first guy to ever cook dinner for me. Or buy it, actually.
Robin: I made these, uhh, these great thick juicy steaks.
Faith: And these amazing potatoes stuffed with mushrooms. Unbelievable. He makes them every year.
Robin: For our anniversary.
Cut to: Spike striding up the sidewalk to the Summers’ house, casually twirling an axe and whistling ‘It Had to Be You.’ He knocks on the door.
Spike: Come on, slayer! Time for slaying!
No answer. Spike knocks harder.
Spike: Slayer?
The door opens. Buffy is standing there in her pajamas, her hair is disheveled, her eyes red and swollen from crying.
Spike: What happened to you?
Buffy: He’s getting married.
Spike: Who?
Buffy: [duh] Angel.
Spike: Oh. Well, uhh…
Buffy: I need a tissue.
Buffy walks back inside, sniffling. She starts to climb the stairs. Spike follows her with a sigh. Cut to: Buffy’s bedroom. Buffy paces in front of the bed, while Spike tries to sit there patiently.
Buffy: He just called me up, wanted to see how I was. Fine. How are you? Fine. He’s fighting crime, up to his neck in demons, blah blah blah. And I’m thinking, I’m over him. I really am over him. And then he said he has some news. [sob] Some girl he met in a demon dimension, she works in his office now. Her name is Fred.
Spike: Fred? Are you sure it’s a girl, ‘cause you know Angel is kinda…
Buffy: [sob] He just met her! I’m his girl! I’m his perfect happiness! I’m the one! All this time I’ve been telling myself, he left me because he loved me so much, he wanted me to have my own life, but the truth is… he didn’t want to be with me.
Spike: If you could take him back right now, would you?
Buffy: Yes!
Spike: What?
Buffy: Of course! He’s my first love – I’m never gonna stop loving him. And I drove him away with my slayer heroics. What is wrong with me?
Spike: Nothing’s wrong with you, love. Except for your taste in men.
Buffy: I’m difficult.
Spike: You’re tenacious.
Buffy: I’m aggressive.
Spike: It’s a turn-on.
Buffy: No, no, no I drove him away, and I’m going to be thirty.
Spike: When?
Buffy: … someday.
Spike: In eight years. If you don’t get yourself killed on the job first.
Buffy: But it’s there. It’s just sitting there like this big dead end. It’s so easy for guys like you – vampires live forever.
Spike: On paper, yeah, but when you think about it, most of us get killed sooner than the average human.
Buffy laughs a little in spite of herself, but quickly returns to sobbing. Spike loses his patience.
Spike: I can’t bloody take this. You know people might be dying out there because you’re in here weeping like a baby!
Buffy: [sob] I am not weeping like a baby!
Spike: Boohoo, Angel doesn’t love you anymore! I’d be bloody ecstatic you got that brooding git out of your hair, which incidentally looks like you let a cat try to comb it! You’re the bloody slayer! You don’t have the right to fall apart just because your ex decides to start shagging some other bird.
Buffy slaps him. There’s a little blood at the corner of his mouth.
Buffy: Sorry. I’m sorry, Spike.
Spike: No you’re not. But full marks for lying, love.
Buffy: … I’ll be ready in a minute.
Spike: Need some help getting dressed?
She shoves him out of the room and slams the door in his face.
Spike: Right, I’ll just wait out here then. [mumbles] Bloody hell. Should’ve gone the sympathy route…
Cut to: The Couch. Anya and Xander.
Anya: The first time I said I’d marry him, he left me at the altar.
Xander: There was a whole demon illusion there. It wasn’t really my fault.
Anya: He broke my heart. I hated him. Slept with Spike. Went back into vengeance. Started flirting with him again. Then I died in the apocalypse.
Xander: Temporary setback.
Anya: He brings me back from the dead. I won’t tell you how. It’s very romantic, but also very boring. So I’m back from the dead and boom-
Xander: Yeah, I proposed again. And she said yes, again.
Anya: Well I still had feelings for him and he was very, very rich from construction work.
Xander: Anya...
Anya: It’s true. Ooh, and the engagement ring was huge. Some people said it was distastefully large, but I always ignore stupid people.
Xander: That’s my girl.
Cut to: Graveyard. Night. Buffy and Spike face each other, a couple demon bodies on the ground.
Spike: I've been doing a lot of thinking. And the thing is… I love you.
Buffy: What?
Spike: I. Love. You.
Buffy: How do you expect me to respond to this?
Spike: How about you love me too? It’s a classic.
Buffy: How about I’m leaving.
Spike: Doesn’t what I said mean anything to you?
Buffy: I'm sorry, Spike, I know it’s the apocalypse (again), I know you’re feeling like it’s a good opportunity to get things off your chest, but you just can’t show up here, help me kill demons, tell me you love me and expect that to make everything alright. It doesn’t work that way.
Spike: It worked for Angel!
Buffy: Did you have to drag him into this? You know what? There isn’t even a ‘this’ because this is not happening.
Spike: Okay, I’ll give you a ‘this.’ I love that you have about thirty different jackets and you wear them even though it’s rarely cold enough, I love that you kill twelve demons a night and have an individual victory wise-crack for each, I love that you get that little frown when you’re looking at me like I'm bloody mad, I love that after I spend a night with you I can still smell your perfume on my clothes, and I love that you are the last person I want to talk to before I go to sleep at dawn. And it’s not because I’m lonely, and it’s not because you can kick my ass, and it’s not because it’s the bleeding apocalypse (again). I come out with you every night because I know I’m a monster and I know I don’t deserve you and when I die I want you to be the last thing I see and know that you know I died helping you.
Buffy: See, that is the kind of ‘this’ I didn’t need to hear. It is just like you with your sincerity and your British accent to confuse me. You say things like that and you make it impossible for me to hate you. I have to hate you.
Spike: Sod that!
Spike kisses Buffy. Buffy kisses Spike back.
Cut to: Spike and Buffy sitting on the couch, holding hands.
Spike: Uhh, well, we met fighting demons.
Buffy: Actually we met when he threatened to kill me. Then he attacked my school on Parent-Teacher Night and held everyone hostage.
Spike: Yeah, the history of our relationship is a bit colorful.
Buffy: We had a beautiful wedding.
Spike: Nighttime wedding.
Buffy: We had this amazing cake with – you know, instead of those creepy plastic figurines – a stencil of our interwoven initials.
Spike: Quite posh. I wanted a fountain of blood, but, uhh, the missus here wanted champagne, so…
Buffy: Yeah, we decided champagne would be-
Spike: More appropriate.
Buffy: Of course, some vampires did crash. I had to do some slaying, but it was after the vows, so I wasn’t really annoyed.
Spike: You should’ve seen her in this white satin number, with one of those extra long veils trailing behind her. The most beautiful woman in the world.
Buffy: Aww, so sweet…
They glow with happiness.
Fade to black.
4 comments:
It's good. Few spelling errors but good. Funny too. Like...
"So, uhh, after we averted the apocalypse, we traveled around together, seeing the country.".
Ahahahaha
That was a goodun. Only thing I would say is that it would have been helpful to have a quick description of each character at the start, its been a while. It was funny tho, mind checking out my blog? You could start a series with this too.
I didn't read the title, and I think about ten lines in when I realized what I was reading, I snorted tea up my nose laughing. I think my brain broke from sheer silly. Thanks a lot. ;)
I love your blog! Where have you been hiding?
I must say I was slightly freaked out when your post was a script for Buffy the Vampire Slayer... But the script is good spoof
It is a spoof right? I can never tell with that show
Okay, when you put it like that, I could really like that show. And the movie is starting to seem good, too. I think I will watch it again.
Hilarious, darling!
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